You know, I think if there’s one thing cancer teaches you, it’s how to be humble. I wound up having to leave work today because my energy was getting lower and lower and I was getting dumber and dumber.
I think, at least so far, there are two big parts to my newfound humility to get over.
1) I am not superman. This might sound like more of a battle of ego, but at least with me, it’s more an unconscious thing. In the past, I never had to worry about my energy too much. I never had to sit on the couch and think of as many things I could do between the couch and the kitchen so I don’t have to get up and walk again. I’ve never had to take stairs a half-step at a time with a break at each level.
Up to a couple of months ago, I could shake off getting three or four hours of sleep a night. Sure, later in the week I’d be a little rum-dumb and tired, but I always felt like I could pull myself up by my bootstraps. Now? My whole day is just destroyed. I’ve slept poorly for the past three nights or so, starting with worry over the bone marrow aspiration. I can only assume my current insomnia is the impending First Treatment next week. If so, this is gonna be a long week.
2) Accepting help from people. If someone is gung ho about something and I’m not that interested, I’ve never had a problem with stepping aside and letting them go for it. Now I’m having to learn how to do this with everything.
This past Sunday we had a surprise bridal shower for Barb. The day before, she was off at at a wedding dress fitting so Craig brought over the load of chairs we rented. These are the heavy wood folding ones, six to a box, three boxes worth and two individuals. And dammit if he didn’t insist he take in all the boxes. Sure, he let me cart in the individuals and some small stuff, but he was doing all the big work. It’s one thing to step aside when you’re not interested, but when someone’s doing you a tremendous favor and you just have to sit and watch them go overboard doing everything it’s another story.
So now I have to get used to that too. Like Craig told me, people out there are just dying to help out someone, especially when that someone is friend or family. And sometimes if you don’t ask them for help, it can be almost as bad as abusing their help.
If you’re out there reading this and neither Barb or I have asked you to help us out with something, just wait. I’m sure your time will come. We just have to get broken in on this “help” concept.