Trapped in a Half Hour Episode

Okay, so the R. Kelly question has been answered. Apparently it’s not me who he was trying to “punk” (as the kids say nowadays), rather his producers and record label. Turns out “Trapped in a Closet” is an “Urban Opera” where indeed he does just recite a laundry list of things that happened to him. The trick is, the story takes FIVE VIDEOS. Maybe more, but the “first five” are available with on DVD with purchase of his CD. Not only that, VH1 has seen fit to create a half hour special where they basically play the DVD for you. This is what I just got finished watching. Damn you, TiVo!

I liked R. Kelly better in the zorro mask – his little piggy eyes freak me out a little.

As I sat down to watch what was sure to be a travesty of the video arts, I realized that the only thing that would make this palatable would be some Lays Sour Cream and Onion chips. Naturally, we had none in the house and the trip to CVS would mean a walk to the corner through pouring rain. But baby’s gotta have his fix, so off to the CVS I go.

I show up at the CVS, dripping. A good deal of it isn’t even drool. I wander down the aisles, trying to remember where they hide the chips in this place. I scan down the aisle thinking that they’d better have my chips because I have cancer.

Incidentally, that’s one other time I remember I have cancer – when I’m out shopping in retail outlets. “How can they NOT have Haribo fruit chews here? Don’t they know I have CANCER???”

So I’m scanning down the aisle and find… a row of yellow bags. No happy shiny green bags. No joy to fill the heart of this poor little kid with cancer who walked through the POURING RAIN just to calm a simple fix. Is it that hard for them to stock the proper cancer patient chips?

These are the thoughts racing about in my head. It’s a weird and scary place in there, believe you me. And to make matters worse, there’s a little yellow sign on the rack that says “Lays Chips (all flavors) are 2 for $2.99. In your FACE Hodge Boy!”

I grumble and grouse around the back of the store, going up their wider than normal “seasonal” aisle when what do my eyes see? The back of a rack! With a happy little green bag peeking over at me!

I rush around and discover… TWINS! In the whole store, there are only two bags of Sour Cream & Onion and they’re on SAAAAAAAAALE!

Of course, now that the R. Kelly Half Hour Comedy Hour is over, I only have 1 1/4 bags left. Poor cancer boy. Good thing I picked up a bunch of Reese’s too.