Women’s magazines are scary

So I’m in my local Mom & Pop convenience store chain waiting to buy a grape soda and a bag of Haribo Fruit Blasts (“Another quality MAOAM chew from Haribo”) when I start perusing the magazine rack next to me. One of the women’s magazines (there’s a blonde on the cover, if that helps) has its headlines a little too scattered for my addled mind. Apparently there is an article about improving your sex life as well as one about improving your hairstyle. The only problem is, when you zip across the cover as I am wont to do, you get a headline reading “Improve your sex life! No scissors needed!”

Hold me, I’m scared.