Here he comes, here comes Moondoggie…

We recently switched from DirecTV to the World of Comcast, and today’s On-Demand movie menu had Speed Racer on it.

First, I’d like to state for the record (as we know blogs on the internet are even more legally binding than being sworn in at a trial) that I’ve never smoked pot. I’ve been around people who have and, while I respect their choice, I can’t get past the smell of it. That said, this movie made me want two things: the biggest home theater in the world and a bong. As pretty and enjoyable as the movie was, I can’t help but feel I’m missing something being sober and watching it on a 32″ Sylvania. At the very least, maybe it would override my innate sense of physics that kept messing with the racing scenes.

When I first saw the trailers way-back-when, I thought it looked like a good-time movie, except… is that Ben Affleck as Racer X? Awww crap. So I start it up this morning and as the credits roll, I see that not only was I wrong, but it’s even worse. Matthew Fox. Oy vey.

Alison Scott: I’m actually doing my first on-air interview today.
Ben Stone: With who?
Alison Scott: Uh, Matthew Fox.
Ben Stone: Matthew Fox from “Lost”?
Alison Scott: Yeah.
Ben Stone: You know what’s interesting about him?
Alison Scott: What?
Ben Stone: Nothing!
– Katherine Heigl & Seth Rogen in Knocked Up

Granted, as much as I love Racer X, I’ve gotta admit his part doesn’t really require much more than an expressionless stare and deep voice, so I guess I can deal with Fox being X.

But what more could I expect from a movie that includes Rain, nemesis of my man Stephen Colbert. RAAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNN!!!


Jeez, just when I’m ready to hate the movie, Richard Roundtree shows up. What next?

A few pieces of proof of the stoner-ness of the movie:

  • The phrase “Pancakes are love.”
  • String quartet playing the “What Would You Do for a Klondike Bar” theme in the background?
  • Sprietel wearing Paul Frank pajamas with Julius’ monkey faces all over and Chimchim wearing pajamas with boy faces all over them.
  • Strong anti-The Man stance.
  • The colors man, the COLORS!
  • The almost-too-hoky greenscreen closeups.
  • Bad acting.
  • Ninjas! (“More like a nonja.” – Pops Racer)
  • I’m pretty sure one of the cars was sponsored by McDonald’s
  • Poo-flinging monkeys!
  • Just listen to the car and it’ll talk to you, man
  • The dialogue, oooohhhh the dialogue…
  • Vikings? In race cars?

Oh crap. Maybe I am baked right now.

The creepiest thing is that Young Trixie (and if you haven’t seen the movie, we’re talking YOUNG Trixie) is so much hotter than old Trixie. No, check that. Here’s the creepiest thing:

When I saw Young Trixie (Ariel Winter) I thought “I’ve seen this girl in some other movie.” So, my brain being what it is, I pause the movie and go grab the laptop. IMDb pulls up a lot of TV shows I know, but nothing I’d remember her from. This is the kind of thing that can eat away at my brain for days.

At the bottom of her IMDb page is a section with links to forum posts referring to her, the first of which being one called “she reminds me of…” That’s it! She must look like someone I’ve seen before and this thread will save my brain!

It was the Creepiest Internet Forum Thread I’ve read in awhile. At least in the past week. Of course, that’s probably just because I didn’t click the other post titled “BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL…”


Trust me, I know there is much, much worse out there in the world, but a lot of that you have to seek out, right?

Boy, I tell you one thing, if you look away from the movie for a bit to, say look up some characters and write a rant on your blog, it gets a little hard to follow. Maybe it wouldn’t be good for stoners after all…

Speaking of Christina Ricci, There was one scene with her and Susan Sarandon side-by-side with the same expression and she looked just like Sarandon. Now, some might think that’s a good thing, with Sarandon being quite a looker “for her age.” Only problem with that is, when she was Ricci’s age, she didn’t look like she does now, you know?

I always wonder which Christina Ricci will show up in each of her movies, whether she’s going to be on the “kinda hot goth chick” end of the spectrum or the “creepy Margaret Keane painting” end. We’re definitely in Keane territory here.

Is it weird that she looks much hotter when she’s pretending to be Rain? I blame the helmet. And the mascara.

Mmmm... mascara and big anime eyes...
Mmmm... mascara and big anime eyes...

Point of order. Pardon me while I unsuspend my disbelief. Ninjas try to kill Racer X when he’s sleeping. One of the first things X does is whip the sheet around his face to hide his identity. Why doesn’t he just sleep in his mask? Being Racer X, you never know when you’re going to be fighting off ninjas in the middle of the night.

Oh my God, how long is this movie? Speed’s racing another race? Bloody hell.

While my swiss cheese brain doesn’t let me remember enough about the cartoon to judge the accuracy of the movie (yes, I just used the phrase “judge the accuracy” in a post about Speed Racer), the movie did hit on what I remember about the original series. Bright colors, motion lines, inexplicable plots and stilted dialogue. And Chimchim.

At the end of the movie, I’m left with two questions:

  1. Has Matthew Fox admitted to the world yet that he wears dentures? I’m not big on the celebrity gossip/TMZ lifestyle, so I might have missed the announcement. His teeth just don’t seem to be in the right place in his mouth. Like too far back or something. I bet if you smacked him on the back of the head hard enough, he’d look like Gabby Hayes.
  2. The big “M” on Speed’s car and helmet. I’m assuming those were originally there because Speed’s name was Gô Mifune. Since, in my spotty memory, Speed was always referred to as “Speed Racer,” how did the American version deal with the “M” logos? Did we all just assume it was because he was driving the Mach 5? Did I miss something when I was a kid? Am I overthinking this whole Speed Racer thing?

And just to prove that I don’t have an untoward bias against Matthew Fox, I must say he did an excellent job as Racer X. Square jaw, emotionless expression, deep monotone voice – he had it all.